I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
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bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
g
a
r
d
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
I really had high hopes for this year though
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
lumberjacks will cut a birch
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully