Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
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Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
I know
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
A drum solo but on your face.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol