Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
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Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)