Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
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“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.