Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
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Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks