ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
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[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.