“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
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[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
My dog ate my work from home.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper