[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
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[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
oh u like geography? name every lake
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”