Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
You Might Also Like
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
Lmao
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.