The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
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Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
A double negative is a big no-no.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?