If poetry is dead, then explain this:
You Might Also Like
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
starting a garage orchestra
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.