You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
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Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.