“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
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me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s
my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
2022 be like
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.