me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s
my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot
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If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
I come from a long line of ancestors. My whole family tree is full of ancestors, every single branch. But not me. I decided to make a change. I’m a descendant. Never let the past hold you back.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
I just got a text from the hospital to confirm my appointment and let me know that they were changing it to a virtual visit.
My appointment is for a colonoscopy.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
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