M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
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I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Smile Twitter, Smile.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
Why is everyone getting married at me
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry