@bridger_w “Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
@3sunzzz M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
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@bridger_w 
@torrami My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
@TampaBayMomma Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
@SomthinBoutSara Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
@kennyflorian Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
@CornOnTheGoblin [commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
@MoistPork Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
@dethbycofee me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
@iRowlf I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
@Chhapiness grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings