@3sunzzz

M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon

Waiter:

H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.

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@bridger_w

“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk

@torrami

My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁

@SomthinBoutSara

Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?

Me: You have those here?!

@kennyflorian

Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[commercial for toilets]

°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°

There’s got to be a better way

@MoistPork

Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”

@dethbycofee

me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*

@iRowlf

I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.

@Chhapiness

grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings