M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
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God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.