M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
I hate my earbuds.
![]()
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space![]()
![]()
![]()
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
![]()