Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
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My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.