Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
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Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
asked my bf how work was today
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.