For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
You Might Also Like
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America