He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
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[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.