Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
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I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it