I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
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[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.