imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
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Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
North and South
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”