Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
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*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
Just this preview of the story is enough
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker