*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
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Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
Girl, same.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
road rage
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.