I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
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[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
i think my razor is having a panic attack
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
at ease…shoulder.
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Meanwhile in Portland…
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad