Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
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Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.