Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
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Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
Just parrot things
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?