According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
You Might Also Like
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
New menu item
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.