My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
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*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy