I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.

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Black Friday through the years:

2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July


How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life


[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]

Board: B A L L

Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!

Board: T R E A T S


LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-

*my phone battery dies*

ME: omg

WIFE: omg

ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me


Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain

Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL


Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.


I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.

I’m always ready for bed.


Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home


The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time