First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
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I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*