Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
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My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’