it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
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That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.