My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
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*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
The saddest part of nuking my old account is losing a thread I live tweeted on a flight during which the couple next to me got in a fight over the guy wanting to wear shorts to a wedding. It was the only time I’ve paid for wifi on a plane bc it turned out the wedding was THEIRS.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
My inexpensive home security system…
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
Netflix: We have Less
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy