Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard

Was bored so Applied for a dentist job at some clinic. I have an interview this week😭
I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO MED SCHOOL😭

Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.

When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.

The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.

Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.

ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please

Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.

*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend

The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.

And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.

Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”

Cyclops: Wow

I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight

~ refills 32 oz tumbler

me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁

Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.

[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here

Canadians are nice because they’re close to Santa

Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow

When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.

That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.

Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?

If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo

Therapist: How do you feel?

Me: With my hands.

T: Do you deflect a lot?

Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.

ME: come here honey

HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy

ME: do you need anything from Amazon?

HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list

You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.

I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older

Someone has been running a leaf blower off and on for about 2 hours now & I’m starting to understand murder

“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”

<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.

If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.

Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”