Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
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Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate