Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
You Might Also Like
NOT all policemen are strippers.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.