@williamwanton
@vichupedia Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
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@vichupedia 
@Marcmywords2 You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
@jacanamommy I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
@briancthayer [house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
@TXRednation01 “Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
@SteveKoehler22 No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
@NYC_Blonde A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
@MrGeorgeWallace Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
@PajamaStew Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
@YasmeenMS ‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.