*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger

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You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.


I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks


[house hunting]

Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*

Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*


No, Autocorrect ….

the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –

though she can be devilish at times.


A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.


Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.


Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.


‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.