*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
You Might Also Like
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.