I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
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My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
mood
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
If I ignore life will it go away?
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.