DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
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*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
This checks out
? 💀
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.