I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
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I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
i spent way too long on this
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Well, this is awkward
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.