Well, this is awkward
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I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.