Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
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COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
me: hey what the f-
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless person
I don’t like to talk about it
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….