I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
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I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”