*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
You Might Also Like
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
This is a sub tweet
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two