Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
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GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*