Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.

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The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.


You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.


Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.


Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?

Batman: You’re the decoy


The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.


[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.


I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.


I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident


I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.


Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?

Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…