Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.

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Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol


“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”


Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.


Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock


“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”

(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003


Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.

My dreams have come true.


The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.


He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”


Man reading a book: hot

Man with a baby: hot

Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.