@tealbluejay

Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.

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@ziamalso

Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol

@skitzoette

“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”

@MrGeorgeWallace

Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.

@dumbbeezie

Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock

@hardlyrelevant

“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”

(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003

@jenyb4

Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.

My dreams have come true.

@RodLacroix

The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.

@_Tempo11

He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”

@tlcprincess

Man reading a book: hot

Man with a baby: hot

Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.