Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
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I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
put ‘er there pardner!