Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
You Might Also Like
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??