Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
You Might Also Like
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
oh. I see you’ve gained some weight.
-my mirror
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
i dont have time for this
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]