Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
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Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back