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“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
dream blunt rotation
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
Basically.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.