me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
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I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.