I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
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Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
New hires be happy af 😂😂 You bouta see why we was hiring 🤣
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Just been made aware of the fact that some people are unironically referring to the General Election as the Jenny Lec and, I’ll be honest, I’m not coping too well with this awful information.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
It’s crazy that we get one toothbrush as a kid and we have to use it once a week for the rest of our lives.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
what kind of cook setting is this??
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
I wish I was as confident as my 15 yo who says he showered even though he smells like onions and rotten taco bell.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.