I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
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Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize